In the dark room, with the dim auroragreen glare, many would get frightened by the scene, seeing a quiet person sitting in a chair, staring forward unblinkingly with a pale face that reflected a teal hue, making him look like a ghost.

     Hubbard wasn’t scared of ghosts. Even if there were one, he would stare back at it soundlessly. Just like how he did right now, tilting his head onto his fist, elbowing on his armchair, his right ankle resting on his left knee… He didn’t need more light than the aurora gave him through the windows. In fact, he was sitting there a long time ago; the room had gotten dark in the meantime, and he didn’t stand up to close the curtains.

     Tang Lan sat in front of him, unmoving; he didn’t just forget to blink. He wasn’t breathing.

     Hubbard’s mouth was dry, and unexpectedly, he felt hesitant. He wanted to put his fingers on the mannequin’s face, and stroke his eyes gently; he wanted to run his thumb over the lower lip; he wanted to sink his fingers into his hair.

     He wanted him to put his head onto his shoulder, and hug him.

     He did this many times in the past, but his intentions were slightly different from those hugs and touches now. Hubbard pressed his lips together, and clenched his fist. He waited for too long.

     A sudden noise interrupted his self-loath. Hubbard shrugged, and then closed his eyes for a moment. Again… he still couldn’t get accustomed to this.

     He stopped having visions; instead of that, after two decades of absence, his condition returned, blooming with full power; his ears became extremely irritable and sensitive sometimes, and usually when he expected it the least.

     He looked up again, and his eyes wandered towards the window. He heard a chaotic rumbling as if an army had just arrived at his home. It was probably a group of patrols though, he knew… He was too tired. He suspected that stress was the reason of these amplified noises. After the mission when they lost Tang Lan, and returned to the base, there was constant thumping, crackling, rustling in his ears, with increasing volume. His head ached almost all day. It didn’t help him processing the situation he was in. The next day the noises dulled, but they came back from time to time.

     After a few moments, his ears stopped ringing and pulsating from the sounds, and silence descended onto him. Soon, he forgot the outside world, for the unmoving figure demanded his attention.

     By a surging urge, Hubbard jumped on his feet, and with the same momentum, he walked over the mannequin, but stopped above it. Tang Lan didn’t follow his movements with his eyes, or lift his head to look at Hubbard’s face – he was staring somewhere around Hubbard’s stomach.

     That stomach, which was aching since that night when his Vice-Captain… his adjutant… his friend stayed behind. The person, who made him a good leader, and who was the focal point of his whole life. He spent almost three decades dedicated to this man, avoiding all the stupid visions, which showed an untrue future; he stomped on every single opportunity he had, throwing them away, which others called “sacrifices”, just because they didn’t involve Tang Lan, and now…

     Hubbard’s knees weakened, and he fell on them, right in front of the mannequin. He rested his face on the cold shoulder. His arms were shaking slightly, as he carefully placed his fingers on the small waist.

     It was a perfect copy of Tang Lan. He was quite slender, tall but not lanky, with nice proportions and fine muscles, still giving Hubbard the vibe of a person, who needed protection. Of course, Tang Lan didn’t need protection; in reality, he was a better fighter than any of the mercenaries, and most of the soldiers. People wouldn’t guess it at first glance, especially because of his delicate face and fair skin.

     Hubbard pulled back to look at this face up close.

     Scott Shaw was an incredibly talented artist. If Hubbard hadn’t been the one who ordered this mannequin, he would’ve been deceived by it… No, he was deceived for a second, when he first stepped on the threshold of Shaw’s shop. It was too realistic. He thought, for only a moment, that Tang Lan returned. Even the black eyes had a faint glare as Tang Lan’s eyes had. The long eyelashes seemed to be painted; they were deep black. Tang Lan never used any makeup, he was just this fine.

     Hubbard’s heart ached as they looked at each other deeply. Those eyeballs were almost terrifyingly realistic… He had to break the eye contact not to lose common sense.

     Instead of looking at his face, he looked at his hands. When he took the mannequin out of the box, he placed it into Tang Lan’s favourite chair, putting his hands loosely on the armrest, as Tang Lan used to. He always sat in his chair in a very relaxed manner.

     Hubbard’s eyes were fixated on that hand, and many minutes passed before he ramped up the courage to touch it with his fingertips.

     He gave an extra warning about Tang Lan’s hands for Scott Shaw. He had many photos and very clear descriptions of the whole body, but he singled out this one for the old man with emphasis: do not miss a single detail on them. The back of the hands, the fingers, the smoothly shaped fingernails, and the palms… 

     His own hand was still a bit shaky when he put his fingers on the back of Tang Lan’s right hand. The skin was very smooth and completely realistic as well. He had light, short and thin hairs on his wrist. Hubbard carefully lifted this hand, and forced the arm to bend by the elbow. He pushed Tang Lan’s arm into a position, which made him seem like he was waving at someone before he gently pressed his own palm to the mannequin’s.

     His heart was pounding. The feeling was very similar… but it was too cold. The memory of this hand just bulged out from the back of his mind… it happened years ago… when they held each other’s hand in a similar way… No… Not a similar way, a better way, a closer way, which happened only once in their lives.

     Hubbard’s fingers slowly slithered between Tang Lan’s, forcing them to spread before he clasped their hands together. He closed his eyes tightly before leaning towards Tang Lan. He pressed his forehead onto the shoulder of the mannequin again.

     At that time… he should’ve spoken up after that night. He shouldn’t have waited for Tang Lan to make this step. He was a coward. He knew a long time ago; he had a hunch of how Tang Lan felt towards him, even when they were teenagers. And how he felt towards Tang Lan. Yet, none of them was able to take that last step.

~�HxT�~

     Hubbard liked to travel and have long missions in the wilderness, but coming home was still a special feeling for him. Not because of the flat he lived in, but because he could see Tang Lan carefree and relaxed. Like now, as they went up the staircase to their floor, approaching their doors, his friend was just slightly waving his arms as he walked, with a faint smile on his face, which he didn’t show until they were alone, as if it was a reward for Hubbard, or something that he didn’t want others to see.

     So, naturally, when Tang Lan suddenly stopped smiling, and not only smiling, but moving too as if he ran into an invisible wall, it was very noticeable. Hubbard also stopped, and looked at him, but seeing the direction of his gaze, he turned ahead, and looked at their doors.

     He understood it immediately.

     They were only a few steps away from their flats; they were neighbours, just like in their childhood. Well, occasionally they went to separate rooms, or Tang Lan came over to his flat… it was a rare occasion for them to be separated, but people still thought, they were just neighbours. 

     The phenomenon, which caused Tang Lan to pause, was that their doors had an unusual appearance: someone stuffed small sheets of paper into the gaps around the doors, decorating the worn metals with white wreaths. They definitely tried to deliver the letters to the two residents with great effort, but with small success. The paper pieces and envelopes were falling out as if the doors tried to shed their new feathers. There were paper fluffs around the ground. Some of the fallen envelopes and pieces flew to the other side of the corridor, and judging by the footprints on them, people just walked over them.

   “Again…” Tang Lan sighed, and shook his head, gaining momentum, and stepping to those paper pieces. Squatting down with his backpack, he began collecting them, and Hubbard followed his example; soon enough, their hands were full of letters.

     Indeed, it wasn’t the first time.

     Hubbard didn’t have to look inside the envelopes; he knew these were all love letters. They always got such messages from strangers, especially since they were adults. Hubbard was very well aware of their fame: the two handsome, successful young men with attractive bodies… loaded with money, obviously… Even if they were ugly as sin, there would still be love letters showered on them from the civilians.

     Tang Lan breathed out a laugh, as he stood up.

   “My hands are full. Do you have your ID card in hand? I can’t open m…” The words got stuck on Tang Lan’s throat, when Hubbard stepped closer to him, and casually reached out to dig into his pocket on the back of his pants. Hubbard told Tang Lan not to keep his ID card in his hip pocket, but Tang Lan never listened. “Thanks… I was thinking of your own ID card…”

   “Doesn’t matter,” Hubbard said, and opened Tang Lan’s apartment in front of his friend, letting him go in first.

     Tang Lan dumped the letters on the table, and with a similar manner, he shed his backpack right where he stood. Before doing anything else, he stepped away, and let himself plunge right into his favourite armchair. He got that from a city ruin; the Supply Depot would not give excess furniture to the residents, but sometimes they could find a few useful items in those abandoned places. It was a stylish chair, with a long backrest and thick sponge on its seat.

     Hubbard once again followed his example, dropping the letters onto the already tall pile, letting them mix together or fall from the edge of the table, and put his own backpack on the floor. He seated himself beside it, oppositely to Tang Lan, and just watched his friend having a good time, resting his muscles, tilting his head to the backrest, and placing his arms on the armrest loosely. He didn’t even remove his boots.

   “I thought those love letters would stop eventually.” Tang Lan spoke up after several minutes of silence. He closed his eyes, but when Hubbard just hummed, he looked up. His face seemed drowsy now. “We didn’t answer them, so they should get the idea…”

   “Aren’t these all from different people?” Hubbard asked back; this was his impression at least. He’d never read them, so he didn’t know.

     Tang Lan gained momentum, and jumped out of his chair, leisurely strolled to the table, and sat beside Hubbard, carelessly grabbing a letter from the pile to open it up.

   “Some of them.” He answered, while his black eyes swept through the paper, and joy sparked in his pupils. “Some of them are funny though. Maybe we should keep a few.”

   “Do what you want.”

   “But look…” Tang Lan put away the first letter, and grabbed a second one, then a third one, right after looking at the signatures. “These are… and this one… and I think this one too… well, actually…” He laughed, holding half a dozen papersheets in his hand, and waving them towards Hubbard, creating a light breeze. “These are all from the same person. These are yours, by the way… someone was really persistent in letting you know how they feel… His signature isn’t familiar to me though. I think this is just an alias.”

   “Hm.” Hubbard started picking up the letters, and glanced at them randomly, but paid little to no attention to the content; he just looked at the signatures. As Tang Lan said, there were some weird names – pen names maybe – and some blank spots, without any signature. Just a few of the senders had enough courage to write their real names on the paper.

   “Interesting…” Tang Lan’s voice cooled down as he began to read the letters in his hand more carefully. His sparkling eyes darkened, and his smile faded; instead, he frowned now. His sharp eyes ran through the lines one by one, stopping at some point. Hubbard found watching Tang Lan’s expressions much more interesting than reading the letters.

   “What is?” He still asked back, when his friend didn’t continue.

   “I just got the feeling, that this person… knows you. No… knows our team.”

   “Oh?” Hubbard still didn’t care for the sender, but he wanted to hear Tang Lan’s thoughts. “How so?”

     Tang Lan looked up from the paper, and as their eyes came into contact, he suddenly became much more reserved, and his expressions smoothened. It was his usual Vice-Captain face. He didn’t answer, just offered the letters to Hubbard.

     Hubbard had no intentions of reading, but since Tang Lan didn’t want to answer, he took them, and with a sigh, he began reading them from the beginning. At first, it was quite boring. Just the usual praising and explanation of why this person looked up at Hubbard, or what made them notice the man – the fancy words always carried emptiness in Hubbard’s eyes. But then, he caught on a detail, which was indeed… interesting.

“… You looked so angry after that mission that I wanted to go over there to calm you down, and tell you that you shouldn’t get so worked up over petty squabbles…”

     Hubbard frowned. It’s not like he never let his comrades tell stories about their missions to civilians, or rave about them to other mercenaries. But why would anyone from his comrades tell if there were some “petty squabbles” between them, and that he got mad at them at some point because of it?

     He remembered the mission the sender talked about; they didn’t have many arguments between him and his comrades, so if there was one, it was outstanding. This happened a few months ago, actually. Moreover, it wasn’t even that serious. Hubbard recalled that he was just tired, and he asked his teammates to drop an argument, which seemed unnecessary on a mission. He wasn’t “worked up”, and he rarely controlled his people – in fact, he didn’t need to control his people’s actions, they were well-disciplined and good soldiers, focusing on the important things.

     So, this line was a bit off for Hubbard. He paid more attention to the rest of the letters, but for a while, he didn’t get anything else. He’d read through two more before he found another small detail.

 “… and I heard about your latest success too! Venturing into Ghost Town 78, huh? But I hope you’re feeling well! I was worried, that you were hurt badly, I saw that you were still limping…”

     Once again, it wasn’t unheard of that his comrades would tell where they went on a mission. They liked to brag about it, since Hubbard did take them to the most dangerous places. Creating fame out of these journeys was not that big of a deal for him. But… it was much more unheard of that his people would sell him out this way, and told anyone that he was injured. It was just a sprinkled ankle, no scratches, he took a bad step, and that was it… he did limp for a day, but he got over it soon. By the time they arrived in the city, he didn’t feel pain anymore – even if he did, he would’ve hid it, since the Judges would draw the wrong conclusions of his limping.

     By the time he finished reading the letters, he concluded a few things. For first, the letters had been written at different times, not during their latest mission – at least, the sixth letter probably was written recently, but all the previous ones weren’t. For second, this person… really knew him, as Tang Lan suspected. No, not only they knew him…

   “Do you think it’s one of our comrades?” Tang Lan asked. While Hubbard was reading, his friend stayed silent, and just continued to pick up some other letters before crumbling them into a small ball, and throwing them into the trashcan under his desk. His voice sounded casual, and he still didn’t look up at Hubbard, already reading another piece.

   “Mn.” Hubbard nodded, and he looked for the very last part on the last sheet.

   “He wants to meet up with you,” Tang Lan said. Hubbard nodded again as he reread that part. In the last paragraph, the sender asked Hubbard to meet up with them in a place designated by them in advance. “But… no one was missing from our group on this mission. When did he have the time to deliver his letters before we got home?”

   “They could’ve asked someone else to deliver them,” Hubbard stated as an option.

   “Mmm… yeah… I guess so. Well… he could’ve just confessed to you any time. It was pretty unnecessary to invite you on a date, hah.”

   “Mn.” Hubbard sighed, and started to fold the letters in half, putting them aside one by one.

   “Are you keeping them?” Before he could answer, his friend continued with a small laugh. “Look at you; are you suddenly interested in someone? Are you going to meet up with him?”

   “Mn.” Hubbard nodded.

     It wasn’t an interest for him. He felt uncomfortable by this new information. He knew that his comrades respected him very much, and none of them did anything that would’ve made him uncomfortable before. However, he was always avoidant of relationships. He never forbade his people to have lovers, or to form partnerships between them; he just asked them to stay clear-headed when they were on the mission, and not let their feelings step in the way of their logical thinking, which his people obeyed. Hubbard also didn’t want any drama between them because of love, so when something like that happened, he would’ve asked them to make it right between two missions, because if they betrayed each other over relationships, they would be fired from the team.

     However, that someone felt this type of love towards him was quite different. Since Hubbard never intended to reciprocate it. He wouldn’t have a problem with it if he knew that this person would take his rejection well, and would bury those feelings deep in their heart until they vanish. But first, he had to reject them. And even if he rejected them… he had to make it clear, that if this person couldn’t accept his rejection, they would not be welcomed on the team anymore. Because Hubbard didn’t want to make anyone that miserable; he didn’t want this person to grow resentment towards him, let their feelings eat them up from inside, and make them do some stupid, hopeless acts in order to make Hubbard fall in love with them…

     Hubbard had seen these scenarios way too often to ignore them, and stay oblivious to them. He had to give an ultimatum to this person, or else this will not end well.

   “I was also asked to go on a date.”

     Hubbard looked up; Tang Lan was still reading a letter, his black eyes fixated on the lines, his lips pressed together. He seemed a bit tense, but when he noticed Hubbard’s gaze and reciprocated it, those microexpressions faded instantly, and he smiled faintly at him.

   “Maybe I should go too.”

     Hubbard looked at the paper in his hands, and noticed the movement of his fingers on it. He wondered what the source of Tang Lan’s anxiousness was this time, and he got so carried away that he stayed silent for a while.

   “Mn.” He answered at last. If Tang Lan was anxious about what Hubbard would say that he wanted to date, Hubbard didn’t want to make him feel like he was controlling him. If he let his other comrades have relationships, there was really nothing that could justify him keeping Tang Lan locked up. But some concern had awakened in his heart, which he tried to understand. He couldn’t really pinpoint what they were just yet, but Tang Lan was waiting for his answer, so he had to put those uncategorised feelings aside for now.

     Tang Lan put the letter on the table, and stared at it. His face lost all its expressions again, but his skin got paler. Then, he stood up suddenly, and started to pick up all the other papers, only leaving the ones they were reading and meant to keep. Once he was done, he threw them away, and began to unpack his bag without saying anything else. Hubbard looked at him for a little while, before he followed his example.

     But something changed. Tang Lan went on his first date, while Hubbard still had a week or so before the day, which was mentioned in his own letter. After his friend returned, he was quiet, and didn’t really tell him anything.

     Not as if Hubbard needed to hear it in detail, but he felt strange. Tang Lan would never keep his mouth shut this tightly. And even if he wasn’t speaking about his experience or the person he was seeing, he still could talk about other things. But his friend often excused himself, when Hubbard asked if they could go to the gym together; he was skipping meetings with their comrades; he came home so late, that Hubbard had to use his own flat to rest – which barely even happened in the past…

     Overall, Hubbard started to feel that Tang Lan was ghosting him. He didn’t remember when he spent so much time alone in his flat, or just without Tang Lan in their friend group. They barely spent their meals together anymore; even if they did, Tang Lan ate very quickly, and ditched before Hubbard would finish his portion. Whenever Hubbard tried to initiate a conversation, Tang Lan interrupted him with another topic, but then he finished the new topic very soon, and stayed silent.

     A new emotion was introduced to Hubbard, which he absolutely disliked: loneliness. He was bored, he lost interest in many things that he liked before, and he caught himself thinking where Tang Lan could be at the moment. He was confused too… until he began realising that this could be the concern he felt before, when Tang Lan said, he wanted to date other people. The concern about changing. That something would change between them. That they would not spend so much time together anymore. Which wasn’t unnatural, in fact, it was how it should be. If Tang Lan had a partner, obviously, he was going to spend more time with that person. But Hubbard never really understood what that would mean regarding their relationship.

     He knew he had to apply his rules to his own relationship: they had to work this out before they went on another mission because Tang Lan could not avoid him there, as his Vice-Captain. Just like how he asked his comrades to solve their romantic dramas, he also had to clear things with Tang Lan… and he never thought, this time would ever come. Just in one week, his whole life became unstable, as he felt like he was losing his friendship with Tang Lan.

     He almost forgot his own date. Or rather meeting. His head was full of Tang Lan since then. And strangely, it was Tang Lan himself, who made him remember.

     After so much avoidance, Tang Lan finally stayed at home this afternoon. Hubbard used the opportunity to camp in his flat again; they had to have this conversation. Tang Lan didn’t send him away, but he was reading a book, sitting on his favourite chair, and paid no attention to Hubbard’s presence. His posture was closed, he crossed his legs, and if he hadn’t been holding the book, he probably would’ve crossed his arms as well.

     It wasn’t easy for him to start talking – especially in these circumstances: about this sensitive topic, about his feelings, about Tang Lan’s behaviour, and while Tang Lan openly showed his rejection towards Hubbard. He was courageous against monsters, and didn’t fear almost anything… but now, he couldn’t find those useful attributes of him. It was much easier to just stay shut, but it was the wrong decision.

     However, before he could ramp up his courage, Tang Lan suddenly spoke up.

   “You have that date tomorrow, right?” His voice was sharp and cold; he didn’t look up from his book. Hubbard’s mind went blank for a fleeting second. Date… the date… His brain almost ached, as the memory floated up in front of him. He was going to go to a meeting tomorrow.

   “Oh… um.” He nodded, and finally, the black eyes turned up, and pierced right through him.

   “Have you forgotten?” Tang Lan asked somewhat sarcastically.

   “A little.”

     His friend laughed, and already turned back to his book.

   “No one is going to condone your bad memory, Boss. Better be prepared, if you want to have a relationship with someone, you have to remember things. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings, that is.”

     Hubbard hummed, and he tried to decipher this advice. He wasn’t that much forgetful, but his ignorance did make him forget some details, which he never cared about enough in the first place. It was Tang Lan, who kept everything in his mind for him, and helped him out when Hubbard had to remember.

   “Have I hurt your feelings with my bad memory?” Hubbard asked in conclusion. Tang Lan’s body froze, and he lifted his head to cast a confused and dumbfounded look at him.

   “Not really… but you’re not going on a date with me.” He didn’t plan to explain himself further, his book seemed very interesting, although Hubbard hadn’t heard him turning the page a while ago.

     He stayed silent, and tried to understand the situation. The fact that he had to go on a date tomorrow was a bit disappointing. He didn’t feel like he was prepared, although he knew what he would answer anyway.

   “I’ll also have a date tomorrow. Probably not coming home after, so don’t wait for me.”

   “Hm.”

     Hubbard didn’t know what else to say. He was the one who wanted Tang Lan to talk to him, he should be glad that his friend broke the ice. Yet, he wasn’t too happy. He frowned, trying to find the source of this feeling, but even if he had found it, most likely he wouldn’t be able to put it into words, so there was no point in prolonging this conversation.

     He ended up not talking about their relationship after all, and he disliked his own decision later, when he went to his own flat to sleep alone. Tang Lan didn’t ask him to do this, but he felt like he needed to. He was staring at the ceiling until the lights faded, and the green glare appeared on it; he watched the waves of teal and green ribbons dancing there; then, the new sunlight abrupt them, and made them fade away.

     Hubbard didn’t sleep at all; he just got up when it was time to start the day. He had no appetite, and even started to feel stomach ache, after he went to ask Tang Lan, if they will spend their breakfast together, and discovered that his friend was already gone.

     He never thought of himself as a lazy man, despite the fact he had no interest in many things that other people liked to do. When he did what he liked to do, he was earnest and never stopped, until he finished his tasks, and he did his work just as diligently as well. This was the first time in his life that he felt like he didn’t even want to get up from the bed. He needed movement, food, and fresh air, yet, he hadn’t felt the desire to give them to his body.

     It was so unusual for him not to go and meet up with his people, that they called him in the middle of the day.

     It was Pei – the ex Vice-Captain from the mercenary team where Hubbard and Tang Lan started their career. Only in two years, Hubbard saved enough money and fame to start his own mercenary group, and half of their comrades from the old team just quit and followed him. Pei was always the biggest fan of him and Tang Lan, despite being much older than them, and had no desire to be a Vice-Captain again; he just wanted to follow the two younger mercenaries. ‘I have a good nose for this’ – he said when Hubbard asked him about it. ‘I know you will be the best one day. I know you will not let anyone die on your team. You care about your friends, eh?’

     It was not just Hubbard, who cared about his friends; his friends also cared about him, it seemed like.

   “Captain, where are you? We are waiting for you at Training Field 1.” Training Field 1 was an old military base field, with some equipment. The army simply left that place, and made a new one, so the mercenaries could use it themselves. It was usually crowded, so if they wanted to exercise in peace, they had to find the right days.

   “I’m not coming.” Hubbard sat on his bed, and did nothing, just as his lack of motivation urged him to. “… Is Tang Lan with you?”

     There was a brief silence at the other end of the line. Hubbard’s fingers pressed on his communicator slightly stronger.

   “Captain… didn’t he tell you? He bragged about it to us in the last couple of days…”

     Bragged about it? Hubbard pressed his lips together, but his mouth went dry. Tang Lan rarely bragged about anything.

   “Ah. He went on a date,” He said at last. Not like he didn’t know, but he didn’t assume, it would take a whole day.

     His comrade awkwardly cleared his throat.

   “Captain… don’t you think it is time to coax him a little bit?” He asked carefully, but Hubbard didn’t understand.

   “What do you mean?”

   “Well… aren’t you two… did you do something that made him mad?” His question almost sounded apologetic. “Just tell him you’re sorry, and make peace with him. I… I’m not sure what I feel about his new date…”

   “Do you know whom he is seeing?” Hubbard asked right away. He still had no idea, and until this point, he thought he was fine with not knowing the other person. But after Pei’s words, finding out that others knew this piece of information… he wanted to know.

   “Ah, I don’t know his name, but I saw him a few times. He is the Captain of the AR1103 mercenary group. They are pretty new, only have a few members… they definitely couldn’t compare with us…” Pei’s voice carried a hint of superiority. “But… well… If the Vice-Captain and he become more than just dating partners, don’t you think he will ask him to join their team? Captain, can I be honest?”

   “Please,” Hubbard asked.

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