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Part 4 - Touch (3)
Yuu-chan 2025.01.22. 16:12
Hubbard’s face was burning, his nape, his armpits, his palm, which was still leaning on the palm of the mannequin, and he pressed his forehead on Tang Lan’s shoulder much harder. Those memories of their hands touching, that night when he discovered his and Tang Lan’s feelings, everything was very bright in his head. Every feeling he felt that night was lively, going rampant in his body at the moment.
It happened years ago. He gave Tang Lan the opportunity to come out first – he was that stupid to let him. He should’ve just told him what happened between them. Because, of course, Tang Lan said, he doesn’t remember much after he cried his heart out. At first, Hubbard thought, he was lying, but Tang Lan would’ve been way more embarrassed if he remembered…
The last step hadn’t been taken. Hubbard didn’t force Tang Lan to confess his feelings for him while sober, and he didn’t know when or how to bring it up. He tried though. He made some comments indicating his feelings, but Tang Lan didn’t get the memo, and Hubbard thought he might have been just too bad at hinting things too.
Nevertheless, their relationship balanced out after that night. They threw out all the love letters, and never went on a date with anyone again. One of their comrades went missing after that as well. Later, they saw him with the Captain who was courting Tang Lan – the resemblance between Hubbard and that Captain was quite visible; he had curly, dark hair, and seemed to be the same height as him. He didn’t comment on this, and Tang Lan also didn’t care for the person anymore – they were just surprised, that this Captain’s new Vice-Captain was someone they knew. Hubbard figured out who could’ve sent him those love letters, but he actually gave his answer by ignoring the invitation.
They’d never seen that team again.
He thought they have time to say it out loud. They were teased to be together by their comrades after this complication. Tang Lan was a bit stunned by it, and often blushed in the beginning. After a while, they both got used to the bullying, and they just… never felt compelled to deny or confirm their relationship. They were both committed to each other without speaking about it, and without officially becoming lovers or having any kind of intimacy after that one night.
Well, this took a heavy toll on Hubbard; he had it ten times harder to keep his need for intimacy under control. His body rebelled.
Even now when he touched a fake Tang Lan.
However, despite feeling this overwhelming desire for touches, Hubbard couldn’t move. He was kneeling in front of the mannequin, and he didn’t feel his scent, he didn’t feel his heat, and… Tang Lan didn’t rest his head on his shoulder either.
It was somewhat funny. Initially, it was Tang Lan, who needed comfort from touches. But by letting him get his comfort this way, he infected Hubbard with his tendency. Touching each other wasn’t just comforting Tang Lan anymore.
He needed them. He needed to be comforted by touches too.
He wanted the real Tang Lan. Because this mannequin would never touch him, and never would seek his closeness, making him feel better. This plastic… this wasn’t comforting at all. It was a cold, lifeless thing, and not something that would be enough for him.
Hubbard let go the hand of the mannequin, as he reluctantly stood up, and looked down at the figure. His breath was fast, his heartbeat painful, and he clenched his fist, where he still felt the cold smoothness of the palm he was touching. His body was still hot and aroused a little, but when he thought of the idea of using this fake Tang Lan for that… He felt like the heat cooled down in him immediately.
“What the fuck am I doing?” He asked from the empty room. Tang Lan’s figure couldn’t answer, even his eyelashes stayed motionless. “Tang Lan… You really… Why did you… You said I’m driving you crazy… Now, you’re driving me crazy.”
He was sure that when he went to Scott Shaw to order this mannequin, many people thought he lost his mind in grief. But in fact, he didn’t feel grief. He felt frustration. He felt an increasing anger over his own failures. He couldn’t find Tang Lan for months, before he decided that he needed a replacement to release this feeling, and get his comfort… He thought, if he could buy a “copy” of Tang Lan, it would be enough. He was wrong.
This lifeless shell didn’t give him anything. At first, he seemed to be the real Tang Lan, but after a second look, it was not Tang Lan. Even with the insanely accurate details he gave to Scott Shaw…
Tang Lan was not here.
Hubbard couldn’t feel the relief washing over him; oppositely, he grew disgusted over his decision of buying this thing.
The frustration enveloped him, and he wanted to punch something. Preferably himself, hardly in the face. His vision… it had to be wrong… his visions never missed to fail, even when he wasn’t a part of them, even when the decision was in Tang Lan’s hand, and Hubbard was too late to prevent it, it still didn’t come through. He can’t be dead, but then why… why he has to sit with a replacement, why he couldn’t find him?
If a vision had come to him in this very moment, he would be overjoyed. But he never had control over them. Those false visions led him to this point, and now everything was over just like that? He did what he had to, he did everything that was in his power to avoid those futures, so why…
However, maybe it was not a warning. Maybe these visions were one-step ahead, and he was just lucky, that he could prevent them for almost thirty years. Maybe he misunderstood them completely.
Hubbard started walking in circles, the room was too tight, the air stale, and he wasn’t calm, he couldn’t relax. He was slightly shaking as well, and he didn’t know what to do with himself now. There was no comfort.
He stopped, and looked at the wardrobe, where Tang Lan still had some alcohol.
Then, he remembered: no drinking for heartbreak.
He suddenly laughed out loud. It was only one time when that rule was broken by Tang Lan, so exceptions should strengthen the rule, right? However, before he reached the wardrobe, he stopped again, and just put his hand onto the aluminium door. It was cold.
No alcohol… It wouldn’t help.
The only thing that could comfort him was that person.
Hubbard’s mouth twitched, and his vision went blurry, his eyes and nose stung.
“You asshole.” He said to himself, as Tang Lan would’ve said it. “You just become addicted, aren’t you?”
Old words sounded in his ears.
‘If I have to choose the worst type of addiction… I would never grow attached, Hubbard. It’s a very common one, and the most painful, I believe. Unrequited attachment. Humans seek each other’s company. They starve for it. Some would die from loneliness, you know? But many would manipulate others with that. Please… whatever you do, don’t get anyone attached to you, if you only want to use them. Use their attachment for your own learning. Use their experience to avoid situations like that. Feeling the need to be attached to someone, who doesn’t share the same interest can do worse things than drugs or alcohol. It’s worse than death.’
The Lieutenant General was dead since then. Hubbard just found out the circumstances of his death not long ago, when he began collecting data about the Arbiter. Nevertheless, the man’s words never disappeared from his heart.
He couldn’t understand these words as a child. Lieutenant Gao was indeed a very experienced man. Hubbard only started to grasp what he was talking about when he came to the Outer City, and saw people falling in love, then getting dumped, cheated on, used for their bodies, tossed away… He only saw the meaning of those words when he watched one of his own people’s heartbreak over an unrequited love.
Suddenly, he laughed again, but the sound was so dry, it almost sounded evil.
“You made me addicted to yourself, and then manipulated my whole life, you little…” His voice broke, and he pressed his eyes tightly before he tilted his forehead to the chilly door.
It was not Tang Lan’s fault. He didn’t do it on purpose. In addition, maybe the “manipulation” started even earlier. He could only blame himself for getting attached, and then still keeping his feelings at armlength.
He was scared. He was so prideful for not being scared of anything, yet he was scared to take that step. It was different from Tang Lan’s fear. Hubbard had some idea why Tang Lan had never confessed to him, starting from being afraid of rejection to being afraid of losing a lifelong friendship…
Hubbard had many excuses for why he procrastinated his confession. Not being able to talk about it, or Tang Lan didn’t ask, or they were happy together without a confirmation… but none of them was the real reason, and he knew it all along, he was just excusing himself with these bullshits. He wasn’t scared of rejection – he knew already, that Tang Lan won’t reject him. He was scared of the change of Tang Lan’s feelings.
Tang Lan wanted to see him as a hero. He had no idea about Hubbard’s motivations, and thought about him as an idealistic, strong warrior who would sacrifice himself for humanity, even if he wasn’t admitting it.
Maybe a small portion of him believed Tang Lan fell in love with that fantasy, and not actually with him. And if Tang Lan would realise that Hubbard wasn’t that person, maybe everything would end.
Such a cowardly move… such a shame. And now… He lost his chance to explain, to confess, to keep his friend protected physically and emotionally, to feed him, to keep him healthy, to make him happy… Everything disappeared on that night, and even ended with an argument. If he explained his vision to him that night, maybe… It was Tang Lan’s turn to patrol, but… if he would’ve taken the advice of his people, and would’ve just “get” Tang Lan already that night, maybe…
Hubbard punched a hole into the wardrobe’s door. His knuckles started aching right away, but he didn’t care, he hit again. The aluminium warped under his fist. The sound was short, but cutting, it rang harshly in his ears, as if a cannon had been blow up right beside him. It was once again a sudden, sharp noise to his sensitive hearing, but he embraced this pain. He deserved it.
The ringing lasted quite a long time.
“Did you really die?” He asked out loud as if he was asking the mannequin behind him. No one answered, and this time, the room was just as quiet as that office of the Lieutenant. He hated it. “I should’ve just told you… That’s about my heroism… You are so blind… I’m not good, I’m not that… How did you even… We are both stupid.” His answer was silence. He listened to this silence attentively, as if he wanted to catch the sound of a dead person’s breath. “What… what should I do now, Tang Lan?” He asked in a very low voice. “How should I find you? I need… I need a sign… just one… just one other vision, please…”
But no vision had come.
He had to find an alternative meaning for his life now, and push it through… until he could find Tang Lan again.
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